Some Of The Best Things Anybody's Ever Said (Page All)

Some Of The Best Things Anybody Ever Said

All Quotes

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
Samual Butler
Where do you go to get anorexia?
Shelly Winters
Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
Marilyn Monroe, on being served matzo ball soup three meals in a row.
Just about the time you get your shit together, it hits the fan.
A.I.S.
I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking.
Katherine Cebrian
If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you're looking the wrong way.
Barry Commoner
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
David Letterman
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman
Schizophrenia beats drinking alone.
Anon
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Ambrose Bierce
If you can't annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.
Kingsley Amis
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Voltaire
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Elvis Presley
Use an accordion, go to jail. That's the Law!
Anon
Television is a medium because anything done well is rare.
Fred Allen
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
Stephen Biship Song Title
The United States is like the guy at a party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him.
Jim Samuels
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
Anon
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
Jim Samuels To A Heckler
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Nixon and the White House.
John F. Kennedy
The thought of being president frightens me and I do not think I want the job.
Ronald Reagan (in 1973)
Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he had run unopposed he would have lost.
Mort Sahl
Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey I'm a big good-looking guy and I need a lot of sleep.
Roy Blount Jr.
An empty cab pulled up and Ronald Reagan got out.
Anon
You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because if you quote him accurately it's called mudslinging.
Walter Mondale
Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.
Will Durst
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
Anon
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
Henry Kissinger
When you go into to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Norm Crosby
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.
Franklyn Ajaye
If I had my life to live over, I'd make the same mistakes...only sooner.
Tallulah Bankhead
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
Evan Davis
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States, ask any Indian.
Robert Orbin
People who think they know everything really irritate those of us who do.
Anon
There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
Graffito
I shot an arrow into the air...and it stuck.
Graffito in L.A.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Robert Orbin
One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Graffito
He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put a chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
Fred Allen
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
W.C. Fields
When your I.Q. rises to 28, sell.
Professor Irwin Corey, to a heckler
There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
Lord Thomas Dewar (1864-1930)
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
I don't have any trouble parking. I drive a forklift.
Jim Samuels
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
George Burns
Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
Linda Festa
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
Anon
Stay with me, I want to be alone.
Joey Adams
Psychics will lead dogs to your body.
Misfortune Cookie Message
You appeal to a small, select group of confused people.
Misfortune Cookie Message
Ignore previous cookie.
Misfortune Cookie Message
How much money did you make last year? Send it in.
Simplified Tax Form Suggested By Stanton Delaplane
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the other one was useless.
Nicholas Chamfort (1741-1794)
God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place.
J.D. McCoughey
I like life. It's something to do.
Ronnie Shakes
He who looketh upon a woman loseth a fender.
Sign In Auto Repair Shop
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
Natalie Wood
Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.
Andy Gibb
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Timothy Leary
Housework can kill if done right.
Erma Bombeck
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Sylvia (Nicole Hollander)
If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all?
Anon
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
Al Clethen
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.
Mary Bly
I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.
Marty Pollio
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.
Dolly Parton
The trouble with loving is that pets don't last long enough and people last too long.
Anon
Better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall.
David Chambless
Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.
Katharine Whitehorn
Sex is natural, but not if done right.
Anon
I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because there was no money in it.
Marsha Warfield
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West
It is easier to receive forgiveness than get permission.
Anon
The odds against a bomb being on a plane are a million to one. The odds against two bombs are a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
Benny Hill
I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack that life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours..
John F. Kennedy
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
Anon
Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.
Anon
The computer is down. I hope it's something serious.
Stanton Delaplane
The rivers in the United States are so polluted that acid rain makes them better.
Andrew Malcolm
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell
Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol
George Carlin
You Gotta Live Somewhere
Jimmy Brogan, suggested motto for Cleveland
What Died?
Steven Pearl, suggested motto for New Jersey
What The Hell Are You Looking At?
Steven Pearl, suggested licence plate slogan
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Alfred Hitchcock
They used to photograph Shirly Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum.
Tallulah Bankhead
The human race is faced with a cruel choice; Work or daytime T.V.
Anon
Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your house.
David Frost
The cable T.V. sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
Bill Maher
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
Abba Eban
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it's too much trouble putting make-up on two faces.
Maureen Murphy
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Mark Twain
A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so that no one can make a pile the way he did.
Gregory Nunn
If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
Adlai Stevenson
When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were.
John F. Kennedy
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan
Ronald Reagan is the first president to be accompanied by a "Silly Statement Repair Team."
Mark Russel
I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.
Will Durst
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
Graffito
I don't worry about crime in the streets, it's the sidewalks I stay off of.
Johnson Letellier
Never argue with people who buy ink by the gallon.
Tommy Lassorda
I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.
Max Reger (1873-1916)
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Bobby Slayton
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
A.H. Weiler
A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
Granville Hicks (1901-1982)
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
Sir Barnett Cocks
As scarce as the truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.
Josh Billings (1818-1885)
I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs.
Larry Lee
It is beneath my dignity to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Anon
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
Anon
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Mark Twain
Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
R.A. Dickson
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it again.
Anon
The reason people sweat is so they don't catch fire when they make love.
Don Rose
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
Jim Samuels
A man in love in incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many for the inattention of one.
Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland (1876-1950)
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man and a blind woman.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)
The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him.
Cher
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Advice To Joan Rivers From Her Mother
I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm alright now.
Anon
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Jackie Mason
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Peter De Vries
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
Tommy Manville (1894-1967)
I can't mate in captivity.
Gloria Steinem
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Professor Irwin Corey
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Smartness runs in my family. When I went school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
George Burns
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Woody Allen
A productive drunk is the bane of moralists.
Anon
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)
Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
Barry LePatner
Ford used to have a better idea; now they haven't got a clue.
Steve Kravitz
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
Steven Pearl
Soderquist's Paradox: There are more horse's asses than horses.
From 1,001 Logical Laws
Do not disturb signs should be written in the language of the hotel maids.
Tim Bedore
The average person thinks he isn't.
Father Larry Lorenzoni
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.
Claud Cockburn (1904-1981)
Before they made him they broke the mold.
Anon
Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.
John Bunny (1866-1939)
I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.
Will Durst
Astrology is Taurus.
W.F. Dedering
If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.
Jimmy Buffet Song Title
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde; dyed by her own hand.
Saul Bellow
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
Anon
A man is living proof that women can take a joke.
Anon
A penny for your thoughts, twenty bucks to act them out.
Anon
Smoking, as far as I'm concerned, is the entire point of being an adult.
Fran Lebowitz
There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.
Colm Brogan
I do no not know how the Third World War will be fought, but I do know how the Fourth will: with sticks and stones.
Albert Einstein
I brake for hallucinations.
Bumper Sticker
Life's a virgin, if it was a bitch it would be easy.
Graffito
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Anon
Are you into casual sex or should I dress up?
Anon
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
Deb Eaton
An Irishman is not drunk as long as he still has a blade of grass to hang onto.
Anon
I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
Phil Harris
My uncle was the town drunk...and we lived in Chicago.
Goerge Gobel
Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.
W.C. Fields
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
Anon
I believe in sex and death...two experiences that come once in life.
Woody Allen
Go away. I'm alright.
H.G. Wells' last words (1885-1946)
Everybody likes a kidder. But nobody lends him money.
Arthur Miller
Humorists always sit at the children's table.
Woody Allen
Until Eve arrived this was a man's world.
Richard Armour
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
Lillian Day
Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
Joey Adams
A gentleman never strikes a woman with his hat on.
Fred Allen
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of sucess wrong by wrong.
Mae West
You may already be a loser!
Form Letter Received by Rodney Dangerfield
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
Will Rogers
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory
It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do.
Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance.
Edger Bergan
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason
Whoever said money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.
Anon
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
Anon
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be suprised at how little you have.
Ernest Haskins
The wages of sin are unreported.
Anon
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
e.e. cummings
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.
Artemus Ward (1834-1867)
Being in the army is like being in the boy scouts, except the boy scouts have adult supervision.
Blake Clark
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
Anon
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Scott Beach's Grandfather
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason
I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
Variously Ascribed
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Jack Benny
I get my exercise from acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.
Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Robert Orbin
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
Anon
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Variously Ascribed
Eat as much as you like...just don't swallow.
Steve Burns
Anyone who eats three meals a day should understand why cookbooks outsell sex books three to one.
L.M. Boyd
Why be difficult. With a little bit of effort you can be impossible.
Anon
I'm trying hard to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
Anon
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck's Father
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Anon
If today was a fish, I'd throw it back.
Song Title
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Lilly Tomlin
If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
Anon
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.
Fred Allen
If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job.
Woody Allen
I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.
Francoise Sagen
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
Fred Allen
This book fills a much needed gap.
Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it.
Moses Hadas (1900-1966)
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
Phyllis Diller
I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.
Charles Pierce
Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think.
Anon
I was born in Australia because my mother wanted me to be near her.
Anon
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Anon
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to god.
Lenny Bruce
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them.
Jules Feiffer
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
Truman Capote
I was the best I ever had.
Woody Allen
My brain is my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
Larry Brown
For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.
Quentin Cook
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Mae West
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
Chico Marx
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
Mae West
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
Elayne Boosler
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
Charles Pierce
It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
Ouch! That felt good.
Karen Elizabeth Gordon
What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin.
Jerry Lester
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.
Maureen Murphy
Chaste makes waste.
Anon
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
Anon
I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
Mae West
Men who never get carried away should be.
Malcolm Forbes
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
Vince Lombardi
When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
Feck Opuc
Bumper Sticker
There must be 500,000 rats in this country; of course, I'm only speaking from memory.
Billy Nye (1850-1896)
The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
Jonathon Swift (1667-1745)
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them.
Yogi Berra
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
Larry Miller
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
Christopher Case
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
Marilyn Pittman
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
Conan O'Brien
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown
No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other.
Jascha Heifetz
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
Paul Rodriguez
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry Seinfeld
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
Marsha Warfield
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Lily Tomlin
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.'
Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?'
Jay Leno
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
William Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
True terror is to wake up in the morning and discover that your high-school class is running the country.
Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student is. At least they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown
Why aren't there any blonde jokes about men? Because it doesn't matter what color their hair is.
Anon
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
Anon
What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee? One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching its ass, and the other is a chimpanzee.
Anon
Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
Anon
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.
Anon
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Anon
Why do black widow spiders kill their partners after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Anon
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Anon
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Anon
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
Anon
What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
Anon
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
Anon
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened.
Anon
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Anon
Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, 'Who'd you call a faggot?'
Jon Stewart
The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft we can all declare homosexuality instead of running off to Canada.
Lorne Bloch
When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one.
From the tombstone of a gay Vietnam veteran
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavner
My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.
Rita Mae Brown
Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.
Letter to the editor, The Advocate
You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
Barry Goldwater
If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: 'Hello. Can't work today, still queer'.
Robin Tyler
War. Rape. Murder. Poverty. Equal rights for gays. Guess which one the Southern Baptist Convention is protesting?
The Value of Families
That word "lesbian" sounds like a disease. And straight men know because they're sure that they're the cure.
Denise McCanles
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dennis Miller
It's only premartial sex if you're planning to get married.
Anon
One does not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
Andre Gide
The secret of the profund secrecy of this secret
Balzac
Never bite when a simple growl will do
Anon
The correct use of the apostrophe, as much as language itself, separates man from beast.
Anon
Too much sanity may be madness!
Don Quixote, in Man from LaMancha
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Blaise Pascal
I don't go around repeating gossip so you better pay attention the first time.
Anon
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
P.J. O'Rourke
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
George Bernard Shaw
Those who say something can't be done should not interrupt those doing it.
Anon
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Robin Williams
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
Franklin P. Jones
Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy.
Michelle Pfeiffer
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Anon.
As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce children; therefore, they must recruit our children.
Anita Bryant, 1977
If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nailbiters.
Anita Bryant
Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an antigay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole.
Judy Carter
My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.
W. Somerset Maugham
Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.
Anon
I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated 'all my homosexual patients are quite sick' - to which I finally replied, 'so are all my heterosexual patients'.
Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist
When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys.
Andrew G. Dehel
If male homosexuals are called 'gay', then female homosexuals should be called 'ecstatic'.
Shelly Roberts
My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.
Amanda Bearse
Some women can't say the word lesbian...even when their mouth is full of one.
Kate Clinton
It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain.
Francis Maude
The only queer people are those who don't love anybody.
Rita Mae Brown
You could move.
Abigail Van Buren, "Dear Abby," in response to a reader who complained that a gay couple as moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood.
I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again.
Dennis Leary
...think of agriculture as something the grasses did to people to conquer the trees.
Michael Pollen "The Botany Of Desire"
The colors and shapes of the flowers are a precise record of what bees find attractive.
Frederick Turner
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
Physics is like sex: Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.
Richard Feynman
Physics advances by funerals.
Anon
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Joel Lindley
Here's a bonehead error that guys often commit in guest bathrooms: They see soap on a soap dish, and they use it to wash their hands. This of course ruins the guest soap, which is defined as "soap that guests are not supposed to use.
Dave Berry
A computer DOES save time at work. Now I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
Anon
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Rich Jeni
Food without hospitality is medicine
Tamil proverb
My silence is original silence, not a quotation from his silence.
Composer Mike Blatt responding to a charge by representatives of composer John Cage that Blatt's 60 seconds of silence on his CD infringes on Cage's 4 and a half minutes of silence on Cage's CD.
I can't eat more than six hundred dollars worth of food.
Anna Nicole Smith
There are only 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Anon
I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination.
Marc Beland
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim.
George Santayana
The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.
James D. Nicoll
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.
Anon
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
Joseph Campbell
Unix is user friendly. It's just selective about who the friends are.
Anon
If builders built buildings the way that programmers write programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Reede Stockton
I'd rather die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Anon
I'm glad I wasn't born before the Grateful Dead.
Anon
Mustard's no good without roast beef.
Chico Marx
Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.
H. Mumford Jones
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
Barry Switzer
God help those who do not help themselves.
Wilson Mizner
There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in the country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Franklin P. Adams
A book of quotations . . . can never be complete.
Robert M. Hamilton
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Steven Seagal
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Henry David Thoreau (1817-62)
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
Dave Barry
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
Paula Poundstone
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.'
Richard Jeni
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
Jerry Seinfeld
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Terry Pratchett
Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
Dave Barry
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Anon
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children
Anon
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carey
What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease.
George Dennison Prentice
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
Dan Quayle
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
Mark Twain
Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
Quentin Crisp
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
Willie Tyler
Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.
Ed Howe
We are not physical beings having a spiritual experience. Rather we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.
Teilhard DeChardin
There must be more to life than having everything.
Maurice Sendak
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
George Wald
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
Glaser and Way
In a collaboration, each author will do 75% of the work.
Larry Niven
My ideal picture of citizenship will always be an argument, not a sing-along.
Sarah Vowell
An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.
Spanish proverb
You'd be jolly too if you knew who all the bad girls were.
A.I.S.
I don't know what to say. I've always been a prepared loser.
Don Knotts, upon winning an Emmy for "The Andy Griffth Show"
Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.
Casey Stengel
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Anon
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
Rebecca West, 1913
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Anon
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Anon
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Anon
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Anon
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Anon
It's not me who can't keep a secret - it's the people I tell that can't.
Abraham Lincoln
The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food.
Russian proverb
Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
Anon
It is true that liberty is precious, but is it so precious it must be rationed?
Anon
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs.
Anon
I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
Anon
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits.
Anon
A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.
Woodrow Wilson
Anyone who is not a socialist at 16 has no heart, but anyone who still is at 32 has no mind.
Anon
Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.
Anon
If some unemployed punk in New Jersey can get a cassette to make love to Ella McPherson for $19.95, this virtual reality stuff is going to make crack look like Sanka.
Anon
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.
Anon
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Anon
Education is the best defense against the media.
Anon
Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta.
Brian Aldiss
Science is moving closer to weaponry, and Art is moving closer to commercialism. And never the twain shall meet.
Frank Zappa
Question Authority and the Authorities will question You.
Anon
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
George Bernard Shaw
T.V. - Why do you think they call it programming?
Anon
It's not Area 51 I'm worried about- it's Areas 1 through 50.
Anon
There's an old saying, 'Neurotics build castles in the air and psychotics live in them.' My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner
Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!
Bill Owen
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
W.C. Fields
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Anon
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Anon
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
Olin Miller
Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted.
Hesketh Pearson
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Mark Twain
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein
Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.
Italian Proverb
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?
Kelvin Throop III
There is no monument dedicated to the memory of a committee.
Lester J. Pourciau
I didn't really say everything I said.
Yogi Berra
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
Matt Groening
We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.
Samuel Johnson
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.
Ronnie Shakes
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Anon
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
Bertrand Russell
If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?
Mark Twain
I just want to give you this one piece of advice: if you're standing and you could be sitting, sit. If you're sitting and you could be lying down, lie down.
Helena Bonham Carter to Edward Norton
A woman uses her intelligence to find reasons to support her intuition.
G. K. Chesterton
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Garrison Keilor
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Last words of Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923
I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
Last words of Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do - well, that's Memoirs.
Will Rogers
It isn't necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice - there are two other possibilities: one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia.
Frank Zappa
No man is an Ireland.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley
We all have enough strength to endure the misfortunes of others.
Duc de la Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
An educated fool is more foolish than an ignorant one.
Moliere (1622-73)
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.
Western Union internal memo, 1876
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Decca Recording Co. rejecting The Beatles, 1962
A university is just a group of buildings gathered around a library.
Shelby Foote
Far more seemly to have thy study full of books, than thy purse full of money.
John Lyly, Euphues
If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day."
John A. Wheeler
Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
Albert Szent-Gyorgyi 1893
On a visit to Grenoble a few years ago, I met a chef who complained that the taste buds of his nation's youth were being ruined by an onslaught of salt and sugar processed into an assortment of bland, artless concoctions that dulled their senses and tinkered with their satiety. 'When there is no taste,' he said, 'they keep eating.'
Ellen Ruppel Shell "The Hungrey Gene"
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas Edison
It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half the evils we anticipate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen.
Herodotus
I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
Sir Francis Bacon
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Jay Leno
Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don't, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.
Mark Twain in his "Advice to Youth" speech, 1882
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
Rita Rudner
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
James Thurber
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain
I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
John Steinbeck
Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
Anon
Ever consider what they (dogs) must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
Anne Tyler
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
Gene Hill
Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter.
Harry Morgan
...when I wake up in the morning, I look in the bathroom mirror to see who I am. Most of the time that works, but last week I spent a whole day as a pair of bathroom curtains!
Peter Ingerman
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Milton Berle
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
Voltaire
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Darius Denning
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
Barry Bartlett
There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out.
Mae West
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Fran Lebowitz
Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
Clarence Darrow
I don't make jokes, I just watch the Government and report the facts...
Will Rogers
No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
Will Rogers
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
Mario Andretti
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel
Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.
Matt Barry
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they share a common enemy.
Sam Levenson
A woman drove me to drink - and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
W.C. Fields
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. What a coincidence!
Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
Irish Proverb
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Anon
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
M. Facklam
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
Anon
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.
Dave Barry
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.
Penny Ward Moser
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
Will Rogers
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
James H. Boren
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Paul Getty
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
Oscar Wilde's last words (1854-1900)
I am about to, or, I am going to die. Either expression is used.
Last words of grammarian Dominique Bouhours
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.
Albert Einstein
We do not see things as they are, but as we are ourselves.
Henry Major Tomlinson
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss
Before we set our hearts too much upon anything, let us examine how happy they are who already possess it.
Fran�ois de La Rochefoucauld
The most human thing we can do is comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Clarence Darrow
I can't hear the phrase "War is good for the economy" without also wondering whether cannibalism is good nutrition?
A.I.S.
I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of.
Clarence Darrow
When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
Hermann Hesse
The similarities between me and my father are different.
Dale Berra, Yogi Berra's son
When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion.
Abraham Lincoln
If we knew what we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
Albert Einstein
One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.
Nancy Astor
Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
George Bernard Shaw
The greatest danger for artists is total freedom.
Federico Fellini
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Anon
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Anon
To swear off making mistakes is very easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas.
Leo Burnett
Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.
John F. Kennedy
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Galileo Galilei
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Mark Twain
What progress we are making. In the Middle Ages they would have burned me. Now they are content with burning my books.
Sigmund Freud
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Mark Twain
First, they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.
Mahatma Gandhi
A mind, once expanded by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato
My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
Wendy Leibman
I want my attorney, my tailor, my servants, even my wife to believe in God, and I think I shall then be robbed and cuckolded less often.
Voltaire
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen
Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
Abraham Lincoln
Things may come to those who wait. But only the things left by those who hustle.
Abraham Lincoln
You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was.
Abraham Lincoln
A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Herm Albright
America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.
Abraham Lincoln
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Abraham Lincoln
Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels.
Mark Twain
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Mark Twain
Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.
Mark Twain
You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the stairs.
Mark Twain
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
A man's home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside, it's often his nursery.
Clare Booth Luce
We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Joseph Campbell
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
Brian Kiley
Whatever you wish for me, may you have twice as much.
Anon
Self-respect: The secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
H.L. Mencken
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Phillips
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
John Mendosa
Creative people who can't help but explore other mental territories are at greater risk, just as someone who climbs a mountain is more at risk than someone who just walks along a village lane.
R.D. Laing
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
George Santayana
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say that there are twenty Gods or no Gods; it neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
Thomas Jefferson
In order to assert something and mean it without qualification, I of course have to believe that it is true, but I don't have to believe that I could demonstrate its truth to all rational persons. The claim that something is universal and the acknowledgement that I couldn't necessarily prove it are logically independent of each other. The second does not undermine the first.
Stanly Fish "Postmodern Warfare - The Ignorance Of Our Warrior Intellectuals" Harper's Magazine - July 2002
A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.
Albert Einstein
But, then, the whole Net is a cookbook, and the chef's name is Google.
Carl Distefano - Posted on the Xywrite Users Group
The reason most individuals run into obstacles, is because they continue to focus on what is behind them.
Brian G. Jett
This sentence contains two erors.
Douglas R. Hofstader "G�del, Escher, Bach - an Eternal Golden Braid"
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Douglas R. Hofstader
I'm old and I've had lots of troubles in my life - most of which never happened.
Mark Twain
The secret of a great success, for which you are at a loss to account, is a crime that has never been found out, because it was properly executed.
Balzac's "Pere Goriot"
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Be careful around those individuals who have bought into negativity, because they have the uncanny ability of selling it as well.
Brian G. Jett
The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Liquid Panty Remover
Billboard ad for Souther Comfort liqueur
My Goddess gave birth to your God
Bumper Sticker
If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.
Bumper Sticker
I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public.
Bumper Sticker
God was my co-pilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.
Bumper Sticker
Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.
Bumper Sticker
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him.
Aldous Huxley 1894
Idealism is based on big ideas. And, as anybody who has ever been asked "What's the big idea?" knows, most big ideas are bad ones.
P.J. O'Rourke
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wright
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
Marcel Achard
Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down.
Paul Newman
I prefer a man who will burn the flag and then wrap himself in the Constitution to a man who will burn the Constitution and then wrap himself in the flag.
Rep. Craig Washington
Here's my thought about fake breasts: If I can touch them, they're real.
Carson Daley
A sobering thought: What if, right at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?
Jane Wagner
It ain't what people don't know that's the problem, it's what they think they know that ain't so.
Will Rogers (paraphrasing Josh Billings)
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Jimmy Shubert
Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
Vaclav Havel
I can't say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.
Daniel Boone
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Martin Rees
If E.F. Harriman paid me what he's paying those guys to stop me from robbing him, I'd stop robbing him.
Butch Cassidy
We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Anon
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
Jay Leno
If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
Kelvin Throop III
The Founders were right all along, but the results are a lot funnier than they intended.
Molly Ivins
All hawk and no spit.
Molly Ivins
As they say around the [Texas] Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.
Molly Ivins
If once a man indulges in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
Thomas De Quincy (1785-1859)
All right, then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick.
Last words of Spanish playwright Lope de Vega on being assured on his deathbed that his end was very near
It took them only an instant to cut off that head, but it is unlikely that a hundred years will suffice to reproduce a similar one.
Joseph Louis Lagrange (1736-1813) commenting on the execution of the french chemist Lavoisier
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Homer Simpson
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Chris Rock
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon
It is obviously possible that what we call waking life may only be an unusual and persistent nightmare.
Bertrand Russell
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Lady Astor: "Winston, if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee."
Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband I'd drink it."
If you could buy a Greyhound bus ticket with food stamps this state would be empty.
A wag in Maine
My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower--they met the boat.
Will Rogers
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
George Bernard Shaw
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.
Plato
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
Mark Twain
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
Hunter S. Thompson
Television is the first truly democratic culture, the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
Clive Barnes
If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?
Jerry Seinfeld
If you have two hours to live, see this movie � it will make those two hours seem like two weeks.
Movie Reviewer Blake French, about Kevin Costner's "Open Range"
Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.
Edward R. Murrow
God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.
Voltaire
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts", but "you have to put your two cents in"? Somebody's making a penny
George Carlin
In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven.
Craig Kilborn
It's never too late to be what you might have been.
George Eliot
I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.
Graffito
We know nothing at all. All our knowledge is but the knowledge of schoolchildren. The real nature of things we shall never know.
Albert Einstein
It's easy to have a complicated idea. It's very very hard to have a simple idea.
Carver Mead
All our lauded technological progress - our very civilization - is like the axe in the hand of the pathological criminal.
Albert Einstein
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx
Those who do not stop asking silly questions become scientists.
Leon Lederman, Physicist
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow
He is a self-made man & worships his creator.
John Bright
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
Winston Churchill
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
Samuel Johnson
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
Paul Keating
He had delusions of adequacy.
Walter Kerr
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
Jack E. Leonard
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Abraham Lincoln
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
Robert Redford
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
Thomas Brackett Reed
He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
Charles, Count Talleyrand
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Forrest Tucker
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
Mark Twain
Don't get mad, get Valium!
Spam subject line
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination.
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Billy Wilder
One trouble with growing older is that it gets progressively tougher to find a famous historical figure who didn't amount to much when he was your age.
Bill Vaughan
On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
Peter Steiner
If you don't think too good, don't think too much.
Ted Williams
The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore. So what the hell?
Jay Leno 2003
Chloroform in print
Mark Twain, about the Mormon bible
You cannot lead your horse to water here. You have no permit.
Anon
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
Andre Gide
Humans are basically good. That's why it takes so much training to march march march kill kill kill kill.
Maxine Hong Kingston
There are two kinds of people who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.
Cyrus Curtis
I'm superstitious. Before I start a movie, I always kill a hobo with a hammer.
Gwyneth Paltrow, on Conan O'Brien's ten year celebration special
If God existed, and if he cared for humankind, He would never have given us religion.
Martin Amis
The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice.
Mahatma Gandhi
Marihuana leads to pacifism and communist brainwashing.
Federal Bureau of Narcotics Chief Harry J. Anslinger, 1948
Reefer makes darkies think they're as good as white men.
Federal Bureau of Narcotics Chief Harry J. Anslinger, 1929
Marihuana is taken by ".....musicians. And I'm not speaking about good musicians, but the jazz type..."
Harry J. Anslinger, Commissioner of the US Bureau of Narcotics 1930-1962
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Albert Einstein
They call war an art, but it isn't. It largely consists in outwitting people, robbing widows and orphans, and inflicting suffering on the helpless for one's own ends - and that's not art: that's business.
Kenneth Roberts
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
Anon
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
Albert Einstein
I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent.
Thomas Jefferson
Three men can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
Joseph Stalin
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
Jack Handey
Don't do unto others what you would have others do unto you . . . they may have different tastes.
Shaw?
Be good. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, don't name it after me.
Anon
Don't leave precautions to the boy unless he promises to have the baby.
Anon
Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others.
Jonathan Winters
Nationalism is an infantile diease, the measles of mankind.
Albert Einstein
There are three ways to get things done: 1) Do it yourself. 2) Hire someone to do it. 3) Forbid your kids to do it.
Anon
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
George Lindsey
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
Robert Frost
History is an angel being blown backwards into the future.
Laurie Anderson
Self-confidence is the feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.
H.L. Mencken
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Steven Wright
You make the bed, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better.
Laurie Anderson
I still believe that sex is dirty. It's just that now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Lilly Tomlin
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Joe E. Lewis
I have deep faith that the principle of the universe will be beautiful and simple.
Albert Einstein
Politics is more difficult than physics.
Albert Einstein
We owe almost all our knowledge not to those who have agreed, but to those who have differed.
Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832. English clergyman)
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
George Burns
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
George Jean Nathan
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Mark Twain
A nation is a society united by a delusion about its ancestry and by a common hatred of its neighbors.
William Ralph Inge
It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government.
Thomas Paine
Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.
Thomas Jefferson
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Winston Churchill
An aphorism is not an aphorism unless you know what it means.
Winston Churchill
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
M. Kathleen Casey
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.
Eugene McCarthy
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
Anon
He declared to inspectors that he had monkeys. I believe he did say they were in his pants.
A reporter describing a monkey smuggler's encounter with U.S. Customs inspectors
At LAX last week, officials there caught a man on a flight from Thailand trying to smuggle in two pygmy monkeys in the crotch of his pants. That a good idea? Don't monkeys eat bananas?
Jay Leno
Sighted people, you gotta deal with them.
Ray Charles
How come drummers leave their drumsticks on the dashboard of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spaces.
Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters
I'm looking for loopholes.
W.C. Fields, thumbing through the Bible on his death bed
I really didn't realize the librarians were, you know, such a dangerous group. They are subversive. You think they're just sitting there at the desk, all quiet and everything. They're like plotting the revolution, man. I wouldn't mess with them.
Michael Moore
A diplomat...is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Caskie Stinnett
The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.
Herbert Agar
A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don't need it.
Herbert V. Prochnow
Building more prisons to address crime is like building more graveyards to address a fatal disease.
Robert Gangi, Correctional expert
It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.
Elinor Smith
To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally convenient solutions; both dispose with the necessity of reflection.
Henri Poincar�
It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.
Voltaire
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid; you must also be well mannered.
Voltaire
Doubt is not a pleasant mental state but certainty is a ridiculous one.
Voltaire
Army food doesn't agree with me. I've had five of those MREs and I don't think any of them have an exit strategy.
Al Franken
Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
basepall player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
If ants are such busy workers, how come they find time to go to all the picnics?
Marie Dressler, Canadian actress
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say 'elevator', we say 'lift'. They say 'President', we say 'stupid psychopathic git'...
Alexi Sayle
We are all born charming, fresh, and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.
Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read 'President Can't Swim'.
Lyndon B. Johnson
I believe that love - not imitation - is the sincerest form of flattery. Your imitator thinks that you can be duplicated; your lover knows you can't.
Marilyn Vos Savant
Viewed up close, nobody is normal.
Caetano Veloso
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
Fran Lebowitz
Civilization is a zoo in the middle of a jungle.
A.I.S.
If you understood everything I said, you'd be me.
Miles Davis
I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.
Planojo
There are three kinds of men: 1. The ones that learn by reading. 2. The few who learn by observation. 3. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Will Rogers
It's been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex.
Tracy Smith
No unmet needs exist and ...current unmet needs that are being met will continue to be met.
Transportation Commission on Unmet Transit Needs, Mariposa County, California
When in doubt steer towards the enemy.
Anon (Ancient)
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Noel Coward
You'll miss 100% of all the shots you don't take.
Wayne Gretsky
It's been a fabulous year for Laura and me.
George W. Bush., three months after the World Trade Center towers went down
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
H.L. Mencken
It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
Epictetus (50-138 A.D. )
Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness.
Chuang-tzu (B.C. 350)
Iraq is not another Vietnam...this time it's a dry heat.
B. Henderson
There are things of deadly earnest that can only be mentioned under the cover of a joke.
J.J. Procter
If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about the answers.
Thomas Pynchon
There is no way of proving your point to someone whose income and position depend upon believing the contrary.
Sydney Harris
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995 Executed by injection, Oklahoma
I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
Humphrey Bogart's last words
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
Victor Borge
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev
If I spray it with Raid do I get a discount?
Pam Browning, in a health-food store
Science reserves the highest reward for those of you who disprove our most cherished beliefs. At any moment someone from any walk of life could come forward and be responsible for a complete revision of our view of everything.
Ann Druyan
If triangles had a god, he would have three sides.
Montesquieu
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.
Anne Lamott
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
Ohio U. English professor
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by an endless series of hobgoblins.
H.L. Mencken
The cosmos is a gigantic fly-wheel making 10,000 revolutions a minute. Man is a sick fly taking a dizzy ride on it. Religion is the theory that the wheel was designed and set spinning to give him the ride.
H.L. Mencken
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Will Rogers
Never mistake motion for action.
Ernest Hemingway
Love is the feeling that you're feeling when the feeling that you're feeling is the feeling you've never felt before.
Anon
We often say: There is light at the end of the tunnel. We forget there was light at the beginning of the tunnel. There was no need to get into the tunnel in the first place.
Shabbir Banoobhaiv
I am accountable. But the little guys were responsible. I was just giving orders.
The Rummy Defense
John Redwood is a young man, but, let's face it, so was Margaret Thatcher in 1975.
Edward Leigh, member of Parliament, during a radio interview
In the future, everyone will have fifteen minutes of fame. Followed by fifteen minutes of legal problems, fifteen minutes of ridicule from late-night TV hosts, fifteen minutes of obscurity, and fifteen minutes of "Where are they now?".
Dan Piraro
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.
Paul Dirac
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome
I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.
Robin Greenspan
I believe I can confide in you, because I got your name from the internet.
Drus Zulu (the name at the bottom of a "Nigerian" type scam email)
Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength.
Eric Hoffer
A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping.
Kenneth Tynan
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton
No, Steve, I think it's more like we both had this rich neighbor named Xerox and I broke in to steal the TV set and found out that you had already stolen it.
Bill Gates' reply when Steve Jobs accused Microsoft of stealing Apple's design and interface
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton
Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
Ronnie Shakes
I'd worship the ground you'd walk on if you lived in a better neighborhood.
Billy Wilder, to his future wife
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
W.W. Renwick
If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising, then they wouldn't have to advertise them.
Will Rogers
The plural of anecdote is not data.
Frank Kotsonis
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
Voltaire
In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place.
Mahatma Gandhi
If you think you can do a thing or you think you can't do a thing, you're right.
Henry Ford
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Dean Martin
There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it.
Denis Diderot
Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.
George Carlin
Whenever I see the awful pictures of those poor prisoners at Abu Ghraib I have to ask myself, who would Jesus torture?
A.I.S.
Spam to be eliminated in 2 years, get your penis enlarged before it's too late
From Fark.com
Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.
Al Swearengen
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
Muhammad Ali
When a girl goes wrong - men go right after her.
Mae West
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Mae West
Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Mae West
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven't thought of yet.
Ann Landers
A company has come out with a George Bush action figure that commemorates his landing on an aircraft carrier earlier this year. The company says by posing Bush and making him talk, kids can get an idea of what it's like to be Dick Cheney.
Jay Leno
Books are important. They help you sleep at night.
First Lady Laura Bush, on the Oprah Winfrey Show
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies (1981)
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies (1981)
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life (1978)
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life (1978)
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't come to yours.
Clarence Day, Life with Father (1935)
Once you discover white paint, you'll never wash your underwear again.
Conan O'Brien
A Patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.
Edward Abbey (1924-1989) US Author
Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought.
Henri Bergson
Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Ronald Reagan
If I had only known that was going to be my fifteen minutes of fame, I'd have run that sucker through a spell checker and taken more care while writing the surrounding material.
James D. Nicoll, about his famous quote above
And you know what English is? English is the result of Norman men-at-arms trying to make dates with Saxon barmaids, and no more legitimate than any of the other results.
H. Beam Piper, "The Other Human Race"
We must respect the other fellows religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
Minority Report: H.L. Mencken's Notebooks (1956)
Philadelphia is the most pecksniffian of American cities, and thus probably leads the world.
H.L. Mencken, The American Language (1919)
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.
Rita Rudner
I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
Susan B. Anthony
I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war.
Robert Mueller, Look, Mar. 5, 1957
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight and shows like Star Trek were impossible.
Wilson "Bob" Tucker
From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx - a blurb for S. J. Perelman "Dawn Ginsbergh's Revenge" (1929)
I'm too fucking busy, and vice versa.
Dorothy Parker
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
Madness is not enlightenment, but the search for enlightenment is often mistaken for madness.
Richard Davenport-Hines
When a man gives his opinion he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch.
Bette Davis
The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos.
Anon
Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.
W.C. Fields
The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization.
Sigmund Freud
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
Robert Heinlein
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
President George W. Bush.
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that.
Steve Martin.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'
Theodore Roosevelt
You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in their struggle for independence.
Charles A. Beard
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
Isaac Asimov
That's libertarians for you - anarchists who want police protection from their slaves.
Kim Stanley Robinson "Green Mars"
As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
H.L. Mencken
The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.
Adlai Stevenson
Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
Mark Twain on Henry James
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Dorothy Parker
I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in.
Mick Miller
I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept very quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
Anita Loos
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Anon
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Anon
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger
Some days it just isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips
Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of life.
Gottfried Reinhardt
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.
Claire Sargent, a failed Arizona senatorial candidate
I'm sorry, but we're not in L. A. anymore.
Johnny Depp, to a fellow patron in a resturant in France annoyed by his smoking
Living in a vacuum sucks.
Adrienne Gusoff
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Anon
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, THAT'S not going to happen'.
Anon
If electricity comes from electrons...does morality come from morons?
Anon
And where does she find them?
Dorthy Parker, when told that Claire Booth Luce was invariably kind to her inferiors
When life hands you lemons, ask for salt and a bottle of tequila.
Anon
Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare.
Japanese Proverb
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Ambrose Bierce
Some people die at 25 but aren't buried until they are 70.
Mark Twain
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Fran Lebowitz "Social Studies" (1977)
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.
Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)
Sleep is death without the responsibility.
Fran Lebowitz "Metropolitan Life" (1978)
Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent.
Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook (1963)
Radio is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless.
Steve Allen
All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation
Sit by the homely girl, you'll look better by comparison.
Debra Maffett, Miss America 1983
Money doesn't talk, it swears.
Bob Dylan
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
Mark Twain
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.
Mark Twain
The feeling of patriotism - It is an immoral feeling because, instead of confessing himself a son of God...or even a free man guided by his own reason, each man under the influence of patriotism confesses himself the son of his fatherland and the slave of his government, and commits actions contrary to his reason and conscience.
Leo Tolstoy "Patriotism and Government"
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965)
Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
Opening line of a spam email message
I'll wash up as far as possible and down as far as possible and then you will have to wash 'possible'.
Nurse to her male patient
To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Paul J. Rainey
Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.
Anon
Being a good example is hard. I'm trying to serve as a horrible warning instead.
Pickles comic strip 7/4/05
I may have invented it, but Bill Gates made it famous.
David Bradley, who invented the Ctrl-Alt-Del reboot
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Will Rogers
Ben Franklin may have discovered electricity - but it was the man who invented the meter who made the money.
Earl Warren
Apparently there are different food pyramids for meeting different people's needs. I'm gonna guess mine is a mile-high spike of smoked ham, 1,000 feet wide at the base.
Kent Montoya, Coach (fake quote from The Onion)
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
Steven Wright
Sex, of course, has been a feature of human entertainment since the first caveman learned to grunt suggestively to his buddies when a cavewoman walked past.
Tammy
The chief function of stock-market forecasters is to make astrologers look respectable.
Jane Bryant Quinn in Newsweek, October 18, 1993
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Ellen DeGeneres
Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid.
President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1952
When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "Let us pray." We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'.
Bruce Baum
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
Craig Charles
Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.
Anon
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Soren Kierkegaard
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.
Richard Bach
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
Friedrich Nietzsche
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
At my age flowers scare me.
George Burns
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith
Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.
Andy Rooney
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
Everyone is a potential murderer. I have not killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction out of obituary notices.
Clarence Darrow
I think---therefore I'm single.
Lizz Winstead
What happened to you could have been worse - it could have happened to me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
My wife says I don't listen to her.... or something like that.
Pat Paulsen
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Henny Youngman
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Anon
The sinning is the best part of repentance.
Arab Proverb
The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.
Cousin Woodman
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman
We live in a decaying age. Young people no longer respect their parents. They are rude and impatient. They frequently inhabit taverns and have no self control.
Buckminster Fuller, quoting an inscription on a 6,000 year-old Egyptian tomb
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones
I can't help but think that the stronger sex is really the weaker sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.
Jody Scott
Opportunity is missed by most people because it comes dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas Edison
I've spent years trying to �get in touch with my inner child,� but now my new therapist tells me it's mostly been inappropriate touching.
Anon
These parents, they think I'm a role model for their kids, that their kids look at me as some sort of idol. But it's the parents' job to make sure their kids don't turn out that shallow.
Britney Spears
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rather rent out Texas and live in Hell.
General Philip Sheridan, quoted in George Stimpson, A Book About a Thousand Things (1946)
Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.
Irving Berlin
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke
Chaperons, even in their days of glory, were almost never able to enforce morality; what they did was to force immorality to be discreet. This is no small contribution.
Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain
The Edge...there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
Hunter S. Thompson
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
Dave Barry
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Sam Brown
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
Robert Frost
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
George Carlin
I once wrote a children's book....they told me later.
Flash
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Mark Twain
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Elizabeth Taylor
Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.
Dan McKinnon
If God didn�t want us to masturbate he�d have made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
The blogger's philosophy goes something like this: Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head.
Dogbert (Scott Adams)
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope, on turning 90
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
Michael Friedman
God says, "Please do not go to hell".
Title of a christian pamphlet
I think it would be a good idea.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of Western civilization
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.
Anon
Balaban's Law: In theory, theory and reality are the same thing. In reality, they're different.
Anon
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schultz
I never understood the fear of some parents about babies getting mixed up in the hospital. What difference does it make as long as you get a good one?
Heywood Brown
Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy.
Sign in a gift shop window
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Alfred Hitchcock
Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
Douglas Adams
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
Anon
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham Lincoln
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Mark Twain
It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them.
Fran�ois de La Rochefoucauld
Why must we have sufficient memory to retain the smallest details of what has happened to us, and yet not enough to recollect how many times we have recounted them to the same person?
la Rochfoucauld
If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.
Eric Idle
Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts.
Richard Feynman
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Niels Bohr
There are two possible outcomes: if the result confirms the hypothesis, then you've made a measurement. If the result is contrary to the hypothesis, then you've made a discovery.
Enrico Fermi
Miss Manners does not mind explaining the finer points of gracious living, but she feels that anyone without the sense to pick up a potato chip and stuff it in their face should probably not be running around loose on the streets.
Judith Martin (Miss Manners)
To listen to some devout people, one would imagine that God never laughs.
Sri Aurobindo
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
Garrison Keillor
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Jerry Seinfeld
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabell
When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.
Otto von Bismarck
All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.
Martin Buber
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan
Did you know that if all the smokers were laid end-to-end around the world, three-quarters of them would drown?
Anon
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation.
Kin Hubbard
If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur.
Doug Larson
As time goes on, new and remoter aspects of truth are discovered which can seldom be fitted into creeds that are changeless.
Clarence Day
A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.
Israel Zangwill
I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
For every problem there is a solution which is simple, clean and wrong.
H.L. Mencken
When you have steak at home, why would you want to go around the corner for a burger?
Paul Newman, refering to his wife Joanne Woodward
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck
Justice is open to everyone in the same way as the Ritz Hotel.
Judge Sturgess, 1928
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies
Fake book title from "The Onion"
They say there are only two kinds of people on St. Patrick's Day: the Irish, and the people that drive them home.
Conan O'Brien
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theismann
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
John Wilmot
When the President gives a speech, he sounds like he's talking to children. That may be because that's how things have been explained to him.
Graydon Carter, about President G.W.Bush - on Bill Maher's Real Time
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Philip K. Dick
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances.
State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
Mark Twain
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I miss the old days where a man would build a skyscraper with his bare hands just to make you stop hitting him with a shovel.
Scott Adams "Dilbert"
I know I'm doing something right when my business practices gag a rat.
Scott Adams "Dilbert"
You're loathsome and despicable. If crud wore shoes, you would be the crud in the crud's shoes.
Scott Adams "Dilbert"
If the water company can pipe water to my house, why can't the toothpaste company do the same?
Scott Adams "Dilbert"
If you're so smart, let's see you describe our future without using the word "doomed".
Scott Adams "Dilbert"
My voice mailbox is full, and my spam filter rejects all incoming email. As soon as I build up a good load of ear wax, I'll be totally off the grid.
Scott Adams "Dilbert"
If history is my guide, you will abuse the next hour of my life by insisting that I defend your misunderstanding of what I think.
Scott Adams "Dilbert"
Doctor to patient: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
Anon
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good...spit it out.
Anon
It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
Bertrand Russell
Librarians are the (secret) masters of the universe; they control information. Don't ever piss one off.
Spider Robinson
Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?
George Price
When I travel on an airplane, I like to be served TWA milk and TWA coffee. But I love to be served TWA tea.
Richard Lederer
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
Anon
Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of your vanquished enemies and all hell breaks loose.
Brad Wilkerson
We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition.
Dr. Alex Comfort
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore (1935 - 2002)
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Doug Larson
A scientist is a man who changes his beliefs according to reality, a theist is a man who changes reality to match his beliefs.
Volker Braun (1998)
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out?
Ren� Descartes
When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do.
William Blake
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
Alice Kahn
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
Pat Paulsen
I could not believe Elvis was dead....until I heard that he had voted in Cook County.
Anon
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.
Ludwig Wittgenstein
The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.
Daniel J. Boorstin
When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes.
Desiderius Erasmus
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Dave Barry
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income.
Samuel Butler
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.
Betty Reese
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
W.C. Fields
Shouldn't the Air and Space Museum be empty?
Dennis Miller
If a three year old kid tells you that you are ugly -- you probably are.
Tim Hylka
When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.
Sir Winston Churchill
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Anon
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to dessert that night. And for what?
Erma Bombeck
Well behaved women rarely make history.
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
You are remembered for the rules you break.
Douglas MacArthur
There are some frauds so well conducted that it would be stupidity not to be deceived by them.
Charles Caleb Colton (1780-1832) British sportsman, writer
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
A stupid person can make only certain, limited types of errors; the mistakes open to a clever fellow are far broader. But to the one who knows how smart he is compared to everyone else, the possibilities for true idiocy are boundless.
Steven Brust
I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
Terry Pratchett
All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
Raymond Hull
Political language...is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.
George Orwell
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
I like men who have a future and women who have a past.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Anon
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
Matt Groening
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
George Carlin
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Anon
The terrorists hate our freedom, so by eliminating the freedom, we can stop the terrorists from hating us.
Anon
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Stephen Wright
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.
William E. Gladstone (see next quote)
That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
Benjamin Disraeli's response (British Prime Minister 1874-1880)
The curve is more powerful than the sword.
Mae West
Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.
Alfred Hitchcock
Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one's home. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs.
Fran Lebowitz
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog
Ambrose Bierce
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
Albert Einstein
The hardest thing about being a writer is convincing your boss that you're really working when you're staring out the window.
from "Shoe" comic strip
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
H.L. Mencken
Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind.
Marston Bates
Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
Alexandre Dumas
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.
Nathaniel S. Borenstein
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin
Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
Anon
Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
It is the classic fallacy of our time that a moron run through a university and decorated with a Ph.D. will thereby cease to be a moron.
H.L. Mencken
The only people who can change the world are people who want to. And not everybody does.
Hugh Macleod
Any commander who fails to exceed his authority is not of much use to his subordinates.
Arleigh Burke, American Admiral (1901-1996)
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Edward R. Murrow
It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.
Pablo Picasso
Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.
Pablo Picasso
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.
Pablo Picasso
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.
Proverb
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in.
Bradley's Bromide
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Terry Pratchett
It's perfectly straightforward. There is standard English like what I talk and there are various dialects, e.g. Yorkshire, Scottish and American.
Sylvia Milne
Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes.
Henry J. Kaiser
A politician is a person who looks to see which way the crowd is going, and then runs around in front, shouting 'Follow me!'
Ron Govan
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Anon
When you were a Goth, it was important to at least imply the possibility you might burst into flames in direct sunlight.
Joe Hill
I'm not a really a drag queen. What drag queen would allow themselves to look like this.
Devine
When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee
Catholicism. What can you say about a religion that makes a sin out of sex, and a sacred act out of drinking alcohol?
Atom
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
Fran Lebowitz
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.
Abraham Lincoln
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
Douglas Adams
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius.
Sid Caesar
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
Sid Caesar
I pray there's a God...I know there's an Oprah.
Chris Rock
The truth is right in front of you when your back is turned.
Ken Nordine
I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
Buzz Aldrin
The religion of Hell is patriotism.
James Branch Cabell "Jurgen, a Comedy of Justice" (London, 1921)
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
Mark Twain
If I had asked my customers what they wanted, they'd have asked for a faster horse.
Henry Ford
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'
Andy Rooney
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
George W. Bush
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.
Ashleigh Brilliant
A gentleman is one who can play the accordion but doesn't.
Anon
The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.
Art Spander
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game �Monopoly�.
Steven Wright
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
James Thurber
Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.
Ashleigh Brilliant
The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.
Winston Churchill
What is work? Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.
Bertrand Russell, from 1932 essay "In Praise of Idleness"
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing
Phyllis Diller
If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Jean Paul Getty
Money won't make you happy...but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
Zig Ziglar
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Steven Wright
I've over-educated myself in all the things I shouldn't have known at all.
Noel Coward
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant, American Actor, Pianist and Composer (1906-1972)
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
Oscar Levant, American Actor, Pianist and Composer (1906-1972)
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.
Anon
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" - 1980
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . .very slowly.
Gypsy Rose Lee
I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it's all a little lower.
Gypsy Rose Lee
Clarke's First Law: When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Arthur C. Clarke
Flon's Axiom: There does not now, nor will there ever, exist a programming language in which it is the least bit hard to write bad programs.
Lawrence Flon
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
Sinclair Lewis
What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson
If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
Paul Newman
In America you have television. In Afghanistan we have genealogy.
Halad Hussein
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Anon
The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.
Katharine Whitehorn
Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.
Aaron Copland
I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.
Ogden Nash
He is alive, but only in the sense that he cannot be legally be buried
British writer Geoffrey Madan (1895-1947)
In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, 'Let there be light'. And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
Groucho Marx
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
Franklin P. Jones
Wheelchair-bound nature lovers in Finland enjoy visit to bear country. Bears look forward to enjoying meals-on-wheels.
Headline at Fark.com
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)
If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.
Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)
...Actually, I'm a drinker with writing problems.
Brendan Behan, Irish author (1923-1964)
There is something underwhelming about scholarly hate mail -- the sad literary allusions, the refusal to use contractions.
Brock Clarke "An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England"
All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
Peter De Vries
It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it's one damn thing over and over.
Edna St. Vincent Millay, American poet and dramatist (1892-1950)
When I was a boy I was told that anyone could grow up to be president. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
Bob Hope
An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
Dan Rather
An optimist is someone who gets treed by a lion but enjoys the scenery.
Walter Winchell, American newspaper and radio commentator, (1897-1972)
An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred from talking of his own dear person.
Joseph Addison
Beware of a man with manners.
Eudora Welty, American short story writer and novelist, (1909-2001)
The main difference for the history of the world if I had been shot rather than Kennedy is that Onassis probably wouldn't have married Mrs Khrushchev.
Nikita Khrushchev
Washington is nicknamed 'The Evergreen State' because it sounds better than 'The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State.'
Dave Barry
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
Robert Frost
Lee DeForest has said in many newspapers and over his signature that it would be possible to transmit the human voice across the Atlantic before many years. Based on these absurd and deliberately misleading statements, the misguided public ... has been persuaded to purchase stock in his company ...
A U.S. District Attorney, prosecuting American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube Lee DeForest for selling stock fraudulently through the mail for his Radio Telephone Company in 1913.
To place a man in a multi-stage rocket and project him into the controlling gravitational field of the moon where the passengers can make scientific observations, perhaps land alive, and then return to earth - all that constitutes a wild dream worthy of Jules Verne. I am bold enough to say that such a man-made voyage will never occur regardless of all future advances.
Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, in 1926
While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility, a development of which we need waste little time dreaming.
Lee DeForest, American radio pioneer and inventor of the vacuum tube, 1926
The phonograph has no commercial value at all.
Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1880s
It is apparent to me that the possibilities of the aeroplane, which two or three years ago were thought to hold the solution to the [flying machine] problem, have been exhausted, and that we must turn elsewhere.
Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1895
Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.
Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power)
The cinema is little more than a fad. It's canned drama. What audiences really want to see is flesh and blood on the stage.
Charlie Chaplin, actor, producer, director, and studio founder, 1916
I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.
HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901
Laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle
The speed of communications is wondrous to behold. It is also true that speed can multiply the distribution of information that we know to be untrue.
Edward R. Murrow
The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.
Bill Nye
It's better to be a pessimist. When you're wrong it's usually a pleasant experience.
A.I.S.
In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.
Anon
The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.
Edward R. Murrow
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Henny Youngman
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.
Christopher Marlowe
Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
Ambrose Bierce
The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
William Gibson
The Detroit String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost.
Bennett Cerf, American author, publisher, and editor (1898-1971)
The British tourist is always happy abroad as long as the natives are waiters.
Robert Morley, English actor and playwright. (1908-1992)
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
George Bernard Shaw
In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
A Christmas Story
Good taste is better than bad taste but bad taste is better than no taste.
Arnold Bennett, British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist (1867-1931)
It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior impartiality.
Arnold Bennett, British novelist, playwright, critic, and essayist (1867-1931)
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
Bob Hope
A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen, American comedian (1894-1956)
I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time.
Marilyn Monroe, American Actress (1926-1962)
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Woody Allen
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright
I wake up every morning determined both to change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning the day a little difficult.
Elwyn Brooks White, 1899�1985
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
Seneca, Roman dramatist, philosopher, and politician (5 BC-65 AD)
Frankly, mind control is easy. It�s having to look at all that weird crap in your head that�s hard.
Warren Ellis
There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence transform a yellow spot into the sun.
Pablo Picasso
The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists � that is why they invented hell.
Bertrand Russell
Don't knock masturbation � it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Steve Martin
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Lynn Lavner
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
George Burns
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships
Sharon Stone
Women need a reason to have sex; Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Robert De Niro
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.
Jerry Seinfeld
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley
Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
George Carlin
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
Mark Twain
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.
Jane Austen
When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederike Ryder
No good movie is too long and no bad movie is short enough.
Roger Ebert
On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time.
George Orwell
Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.
John Maynard Keynes
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
John Kenneth Galbraith
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Will Rogers
We are all born naked and screaming and if you're lucky that sort of thing won't stop there.
Anonymous
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke
You never really learn how to write a book, because every one is different.
Richard Price
You think, all these hundreds of thousands of parts were put together by the lowest bidder.
Wally Schirra, when asked by Walter Cronkite what he was thinking as he sat atop the 95-foot-high Atlas rocket on the Cape Canaveral launching pad
The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
David Brinkley
We should all celebrate [Easter] with some kind of all-brain feast. It's what Zombie Jesus would do.
nineoclock
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.
Ogden Nash
Getting fired in the music business is fascinating because up until the moment you're being escorted out of the building you're pretty sure you're getting a promotion.
Dan Kennedy
Sometimes you get your best light from a burning bridge.
Don Henley
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Henry J. Kaiser
In the business of racing, the only way to become a millionaire is to start out as a multi-millionaire.
Anon
The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.
Benjamin Disraeli
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen
My fan mail is enormous. Everyone is under 6.
Alexander Calder
He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.
Johnny Carson
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
Jay Leno
The secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Anonymous
A chrysanthemum by any other name would be much easier to spell.
Anonymous
Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.
Eleanor Roosevelt
If I begin to procrastinate today instead of tomorrow, would that be considered self-improvement?
Anonymous
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
Margaret Thatcher
They say dollar bills carry germs on them. Even a germ couldn't live on a dollar these days.
Anonymous
I'm Not Lying, I'm Telling a Future Truth. Really.
NY Times article headline 05.06.08
The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.
Tom Waits
The secret of being boring is to say everything.
Voltaire
In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus -- 'one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.'
Mark Twain
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.
Robert Copeland
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams
If you rest, you rust.
Helen Hayes
Some people think they are worth a lot of money just because they have it.
Fannie Hurst
If you really believe that death brings eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seat belt?
Doug Stanhope
Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.
Edward R. Murrow
My friend Steve is an atheist. He has a bumper sticker that says, "Honk if you love Jesus". When someone honks he gives them the finger.
Anon
A happy childhood...is the worst possible preparation for life.
Kinky Friedman
People never lie so much as before an election, during a war, or after a hunt.
Otto von Bismarck
The world today doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?
Pablo Picasso
I have never been lost, but I will admit to being confused for several weeks.
Daniel Boone
It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country.
Will Durant
We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.
Will Rogers
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Cato the Elder
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
Abe Lemons, American college basketball coach
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
Abe Lemons
A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.
Dr. Carl Sagan
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Steven Wright
The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you but yourself.
Rita Mae Brown
What would Jack Frost do?
Sign held by a snowman, The Onion
I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate, exotic fruit; touch it, and the bloom is gone.
Oscar Wilde
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Will Rogers
Muphry's law states that "if you write anything criticizing editing or proofreading, there will be a fault of some kind in what you have written.
Anon
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
P. J. O'Rourke
Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider!
George Carlin
Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
George F. Will
Go as far as you can see; when you get there you'll be able to see farther.
Thomas Carlyle
My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.
P. J. Plauger
Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Fran Lebowitz
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Terry Pratchett
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
Victor Borge
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
Aim towards the Enemy.
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
U.S. Marine Corps
Tracers work both ways.
U.S. Army Ordnance
Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
Infantry Journal
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Calvin (comic strip Calvin and Hobbes)
I hope there isn't extra-terrestrial life. What's been happening on this planet lately is so damned embarrassing. I'm appalled to think someone might be watching.
Kevin O'Kelly
Mr. President, anyone who can cross millions of miles of space will be able to take care of themselves when they get there. Don�t start something you can�t finish.
Albert Einstein, talking to President Truman about the �shoot-them-down� order of UFOs flying over Washington DC on July 19, 1952 - As quoted by national radio host Frank Edwards
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
Andrew Jackson
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
Peter Ustinov
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs; jolted by every pebble in the road.
Henry Ward Beecher
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
Doris Day
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.
Tom Robbins
If he's the answer to the question, the question must be ridiculous.
New York governor David A. Paterson on John McCain
You should mention that to your previous sentence.
Jon Stewart, refering to Senator McCain's statement, "Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process. Now is not the time to fix the blame."
That�s what Fox News does; it removes complexity from the world. It turns nuance into simplicity by sanding off the edges of reality. And their viewers love it. They cherish the simplified version of the world that Fox News shows them. And when these people are exposed to complexity and nuance they become nauseous�as if their inner ear has been damaged. They can�t wait to escape the world of gray.
Daniel Miessler
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
Henry Kissinger
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
Will Rogers
You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth.
Evan Esar
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Andre Gide, French writer, humanist and moralist (1869-1951)
I am not a Christian.
Jesus
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.
Laurence J. Peter
When 8 takes a nap, it's infinity.
Song lyric - the band Central Services
There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.
Charles Osgood
The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
Thomas Jefferson
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen
Reality has a well-known liberal bias.
Steven Colbert
When raising children, investigate all sudden noises and all prolonged silences.
Joseph E. Shaffer
The veneer of civilization is so thin that it often comes off with just a little alcohol.
Anon
There is nothing so fairly distributed as common sense. No one thinks he needs more than he already has.
Anon
Some people complain that roses have thorns. I'm just glad that thorns have roses.
Anon
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Jack Handy
A committee has six or more legs and no brain.
Anonymous
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen
Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
Margaret Miller
A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him or her.
David Brinkley
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Unknown
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.
Daniel Webster
Fit Of Anger Turns Dairy Farmer Into Beef Farmer
The Onion (Headline), 11.20.08
I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.
Theodore Roosevelt
The two greatest discoveries of the 20th century were the Cuisinart and the clitoris
Gael Greene - food critic, Ney York Magazine
Humble people don't think less of themselves, they think of themselves less.
Anon
When your life flashes before your eyes, make sure it is worth watching.
Anonymous
A man has a right to defend himself, even against his own leg.
Posting on Freakonomics blog about football player Plaxico Burress, who accidently shot himself in the leg
I could not fail to disagree with you less.
Boris Johnson, winner of the 2004 Foot In Mouth award
I am afraid that overstates the number of Presidents we have.
Senator Barney Frank, commenting on President-elect Obama's statement that there's only one President at a time.
We are not giving you the advice to start smiling at everyone you meet in New York. That would be dangerous.
James H. Fowler, co-author of a study that found that happiness is contagious
Macho does not prove mucho.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.
Muhammad Ali
The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
Benjamin Franklin
It is the classic fallacy of our time that a moron run through a university and decorated with a Ph.D. will thereby cease to be a moron.
H.L. Mencken
Your shoes also wish you were lighter.
Misfortune Cookie message
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
Benjamin Franklin
Doing research on the Web is like using a library assembled piecemeal by pack rats and vandalized nightly.
Roger Ebert, in a column for Yahoo! Internet Life
Ron Jeremy, for those not willing to admit they know who he is, has been in more porn films than anyone else. His popularity is easily explained: Every man alive believes that any woman would prefer him to Ron Jeremy.
Roger Ebert, in a review of the film "Orgazmo"
I didn't feel like a viewer during "Frozen Assets." I felt like an eyewitness at a disaster. If I were more of a hero, I would spend the next couple of weeks breaking into theaters where this movie is being shown, and leading the audience to safety.
Roger Ebert
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you.
Adlai E. Stevenson
Youth is when you blame your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
Bertolt Brecht
Spark Of Humanity Fades From Mark Teixeira's Eyes After Signing With Yankees.
The Onion (Headline)
The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.
Abraham Lincoln
I only drink to make other people seem interesting.
George Jean Nathan
If the patient says, 'I am going to kill myself,' the therapist might reply, 'I thought you agreed not to drop out of therapy.'
Marsha Linehan, quoted in "The Mystery of Borderline Personality Disorder" by John Cloud
A book is a mirror; if an ass peers in to it, you can't expect an apostle to peer out.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
The hardest thing about any political campaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of winning.
Adlai E. Stevenson
Three failures denote uncommon strength. A weakling has not enough grit to fail thrice.
Minna Thomas Antrim
Those who want the Government to regulate matters of the mind and spirit are like men who are so afraid of being murdered that they commit suicide to avoid assassination.
Harry S Truman
Well, I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all.
Rep. Charles Rangel, when asked what he thought of President George H.W. Bush
I never cared much for fish but now that they are called "Sea Kittens" I can't stop eating them.
A wag on Reddit, in response to PETA's suggestion that we call fish "Sea Kittens"
Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.
Victor Stenger
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
Roger Miller
You cannot fashion a wit out of two half-wits.
Neil Kinnock
The Superbowl is American! Why are the Romans numeraling our bowls?
Stephen Colbert
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone!
Bill Maher
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
George Bernard Shaw
Everyone knows someone who needs killing but no one knows a horse that needs stealing.
Dick Degeurin, famous Texas lawyer, when asked why Texas juries can acquit admitted killers but be very harsh on thieves
The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
Nikola Tesla
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time
Willem de Kooning
You have Van Gogh's ear for music
Artemus Ward
They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.
Terry Pratchett
For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.
Doug Larson
If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not me.
Larry Flynt
Did you ever hear anyone say 'That work had better be banned because I might read it and it might be very damaging to me'?
Joseph Henry Jackson
Seeing BBC.co.uk with ads is like seeing your dad giving Satan a reacharound.
Paul Carr
I hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense.
H. L. Mencken
I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone
Abnormal is so common, it's practically normal.
Cory Doctorow
Worry is a misuse of imagination.
Dan Zadra
A man without a woman is like a pistol without a hammer.
Victor Hugo
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
Jean Kerr
Communism is like one big phone company.
Lenny Bruce
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
Herb Caen
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
Mark Twain
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
Anatole France
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
Robert Benchley
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
Robert Frost
It's a flaw in our argument, for sure. By any reading of evolutionary theory, creationists ought to have died out ages ago. They serve no function in the planet's ecosystem, and no other species has survived so long while in such fundamental disagreement with observable reality. If I wasn't such an ardent believer in secular materialism, I'd wager this is really troubling Darwin in the afterlife.
Richard Dawkins
Science was my favorite subject. Especially the Old Testament.
Kenneth (30 Rock)
I was saddened to hear that Steven Hawking hasn't been feeling well lately. I'm no expert but has anyone tried switching him off and then back on again?
yamahahaha (reddit)
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw
Look at y'all, in your robes. Usually, when your in a robe at ten in the morning it means you've given up.
Ellen Degeneris (Tulane commencement speech - 2009)
Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
Edmund Gwenn, when asked if he thought dying was tough
Leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub.
Conrad Hilton, when asked if he had any last words of wisdom
When I hear that a man is religious, I conclude he is a rascal!
David Hume
I am dying. Please...bring me a toothpick.
Alfred Jarry
We all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer. The poor get it in the winter.
Bat Masterson
Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (attributed last words), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan
Dig where the gold is...unless you just need some exercise.
John M. Capozzi
I'm not allowed to stay up to watch The Tonight Show. Yes, my parents are dead now, but I felt obligated to continue the tradition.
The Onion (More American Voices - 6/2/09)
The man is the Piltdown Man of modern politics.
Charlie Pierce, on Mitt Romney
Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
Thomas Szasz
Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.
John Maynard Keynes
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
John Maynard Keynes
If I were you, I'd run! If you were me, you'd be good-lookin'
daybreaker (at least, that's what HE claims)
To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
Carl Sagan
Had one exchange with Dell (computer company) and it could only have been worse if they'd fire bombed my house and sent cannibals into the wreckage to eat us.
Peter Cassidy
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Mark Twain
If you watch Jaws backwards, it's a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they open a beach.
Redditor sixdoublefive321
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.
Rita Mae Brown
The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Your soul appears to be spiders and bad news.
Dilbert
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
T. S. Eliot
To have no thoughts and be able to express them - that's what makes a journalist.
Karl Kraus
Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer Simpson
To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!
Homer Simpson
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer Simpson
No knowledge is useless, with the exception of heraldry.
Samuel Johnson
Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov
I told a student in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.
Kody (at www.onesentence.org)
The first thing I noticed after my dog died was how much food was accumulating on the kitchen floor.
Molly (at www.onesentence.org)
After I spilled gasoline on my shoes while topping off my car's tank on the way to lunch, my daughter announced to the cashier at McDonald's, "If you smell gas, it's coming from my mom".
SunnyBun (at www.onesentence.org)
It was one of those exams that you absolutely must pass if you want to continue in the program, and I failed the set-your-alarm-clock-properly portion.
Erik Wennstrom (at www.onesentence.org)
Women are always buying something.
Ovid (2,000 years ago)
The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
Alan Patrick Herbert
Yes, they are very dangerous! Radio waves containing Rush Limbaugh's voice have totally destroyed my father's brain.
Redditor NastyConde, on the question of whether raido waves are harmful
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
unknown
I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.
Richard Feynman
Penguins mate for life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.
Ellen DeGeneres
When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman...those are not fantasies...they're options.
Jerry Seinfeld
How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.
(book title) by Lewis Burke Frumkes
Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
Aldous Huxley
You can't take something off the internet, it's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.
Joe Rogan, News Radio
Contraception is almost five times cheaper as a means of preventing climate change than conventional green technologies.
According to research by the London School of Economics
Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time
Anonymous
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.
Rita Mae Brown
Oldest person in the world dies AGAIN! Why does this keep happening?!
Title of a Reddit link to that day's story about the death of the current former world's oldest person - by Citizen511
We have a Village Idiot In this country, it's called fundamentalist Christianity.
Frank Schaeffer, on The Rachel Maddow Show (Sept. 15, 2009)
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a banknote, for two twenties.
Warren Beatty
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn�t.
Mark Twain
It ain�t those parts of the Bible that I can�t understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Mark Twain
Life is a gamble, at terrible odds�if it was a bet you wouldn�t take it.
Tom Stoppard
With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Steven Weinberg
Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
Isaac Asimov
You�re basically killing each other to see who�s got the better imaginary friend.
Richard Jeni, on religion
There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
Richard Lederer
It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.
Jon Stewart
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Emo Phillips
Film directors are people too short to become actors.
Josh Greenfield
Life doesn't imitate art. It imitates bad television.
Woody Allen
Television is the box they buried entertainment in.
Bob Hope (1985)
Sometimes Howard [Cosell] makes me wish I was a dog and he was a fireplug.
Muhammad Ali
My youngest says if she had a time machine, she'd go back and pick a different ice cream flavor. (Sorry, Holocaust Jews.)
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
The only way the new jobless claims report could be more disturbing is if Bob Dylan sang it on his new Christmas album.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
Saturday is United Nations Day. I will celebrate by doing nothing.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
I didn't just start the Richard Gere Lookalike in a Naval Uniform Carrying You to the Parking Garage service. I'm also a customer.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
Screw the Mayan calendar. This Dilbert desk calendar speaks of nothing beyond December 31, 2009.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he's a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
Ask your financial adviser if you're wealthy enough to ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
Didn't win a peace prize. Seems I wasted another year not killing my landlord.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
Tonight, a young man in the parking garage called me mister. Like, on top of everything else, I needed to bury a body.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
They're putting a McDonald's inside the Louvre. Now, let's hope they put Thomas Kinkade paintings inside the McDonald's.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
When is the best time to start training a kitten to hold a knife?
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
New DNA tests on Hitler's skull shows that it belonged to a 40 year old woman. Which really changes my image of Hitler.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
At my daughter's cross country meet. Seeing girls run away from me brings back a flood of middle school memories.
Tim Siedell (Twitter)
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Harry F. Banks
I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
Bill Hicks
We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house myself.
Bill Hicks
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
Bill Hicks
The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few tunes.
Bill Hicks
Microsoft Ad Campaign Crashing Nation's Televisions
(fake headline) The Onion
More nervous than a small nun at a penguin shoot.
from Life On Mars
Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
E. Joseph Cossman
A customer just came into the store using a golf club as a cane. All I could think was "I wonder what his handicap is?"
Redditor maxxspeed
Jane Austen's books, too, are absent from this library. Just that one omission alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
Mark Twain
Talent hits a target no one else can hit...Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Shopenhauer
As president, I believe that robotics can inspire young people to pursue science and engineering. And I also want to keep an eye on those robots in case they try anything.
President Barack Obama
As an Atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.
Redditor TedHaggard
We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.
Gene Roddenberry
Your readers are my shoplifters.
Betsy Bloomingdale, in a letter to Rupert Murdoch when she refused to take advertising space in the New York Post
There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
Peter Drucker
If God had meant us to vote, he'd have given us candidates.
Ice-T
It's great to be with Bill Buckley, because you don't have to think. He takes a position and you automatically take the opposite and you know you're right.
John Kenneth Galbraith
You are not just wrong. You are wrong at every conceivable scale of resolution. Zooming in on any part of your world view finds beliefs exactly as wrong as your entire world view.
A description of fractal wrongness
The tea party nation announced that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs.
Seth Meyers
There is no planet B.
Environmentalist Protest Sign in Copenhagen 2009
If your enemy wrongs you, buy each of his children a drum.
Chinese Proverb
May prick nor purse ne'er fail you.
The motto of a Scottish gentlemen's club (The Beggar's Benison) devoted to "the convivial celebration of male sexuality"
Ignorance is the mother of admiration.
George Chapman
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Albert Einstein
If you are at the checkout counter, you might want to expedite things.
Representative Richard E. Neal, of Massachusetts, on the repeal, for one year, of the federal estate tax.
Judge rules that City of Chicago can use eminent domain to relocate cemetery for O'Hare expansion. The move is expected to displace almost 1,100 potential voters.
Title of a Reddit link to a news story, by redditor diggro
Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman.
Bird Waring
Virtue is often the result of insufficient temptation.
Cheers, George
Does Cruella know you have her cape tonight?
Sheila Ryan Caan, to Elvis Presley
I envy paranoids; they actually feel people are paying attention to them.
Susan Sontag
'Direction', in Pig Latin, sounds like the best holiday ever.
Twitterer "mattvancil"
The only difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the velocities with which their knees hit the floor when corporations knock on their door. That's the only difference.
Ralph Nader
So, if the Haiti earthquake was sent by God (Pat Robertson) and "made to order for Obama" (Rush Limbaugh) - does that mean God is a Democrat?
Redditor tfdruid
I laughed so hard my water broke, and I wasn't even pregnant.
Jeanne Robertson
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
George Eliot
My back hurts. I'd get my spine removed if I knew I wouldn't end up as an NBC executive.
Tim Siedell
Snowing again. I'm going to need some Hollywood starlets to snort my driveway.
Tim Siedell
If I were a drug dealer, I'd brand mine "No" and explain to kids that their parents told them to ask for it by name.
Tim Siedell
This year, East Coast, try not to shake the Baby New Year. Okay? Thanks.
Tim Siedell
The murder rate went down ten percent in the first half of 2009. It's as if the entire city of Detroit has just given up.
Tim Siedell
Theory: Tiger Woods used his last monkey paw wish to make the world forget about his car accident.
Tim Siedell
That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.
Tim Siedell
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P.J.O'Rourke
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
George Burns
Every morning I wake up on the wrong side of Capitalism
Anon
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.
Richard Pryor
In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.
Friedrich Nietzsche
I read the dictionary once; I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
Hydrogen is a tasteless, invisible gas - and if you give it enough time, it will turn into people.
Richard Dawkins
Elephants fight Nazis in a zoo.
A somewhat misguided Time Warner Cable discription of the 1955 movie "Elephant Fury"
I want to be in Kentucky when the end of the world comes, because it's always 20 years behind
Mark Twain
That would be like asking someone to get inside a wetsuit made of balogna and point menacingly at a streetsweeper.
Reddit contributor "NonsensicalAnalogy"
There's more cleavage in this film than at a pro wrestler's wedding.
Roger Ebert, from his review of "Sex In The City 2"
Hats off to the Icelandic people. First they declared themselves bankrupt... Then they set their island on fire.... Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?
Redditor flynnfx (2010)
LSD is a drug that produces fear in people who don't take it.
Timothy Leary
The factory of the future will have two employees: a man and a dog. The man's job will be to feed the dog. The dog's job will be to prevent the man from touching any of the automated equipment.
Warren G. Bennis
I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes blown in Uri Geller's eyes.
James Randi
If a tree falls in the forest and it hits a mime does it make a sound?
Steven Wright
If, with the literate, I am impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it.
Dorothy Parker
Everything I've ever said will be credited to Dorothy Parker.
George S. Kaufman
A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.
Carl Sagan
It must have been so cool when the phrase 'Holy shit!' finally caught up to the jet 15 minutes later.
Humorous Onion comment about a mile-stone hypersonic flight test
An inordinate fondness for beetles
J. B. S. Haldane, when asked by a group of theologians what one could conclude about the nature of the Creator from a study of his creation
Going to catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The othe is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.
Anon
If lightning is the anger of the gods, why do the gods hate trees so much?
A.I.S.
Atheist Sees Image of Big Bang in Piece of Toast
Title of humorous article, satireandcomment.com
Whenever the various versions of the Hell thing comes up, I always like to point out that no-where in the Bible does it say that when Satan was cast "down" he passed through the surface of the Earth to somewhere below. As far as I'm concerned, right here is "down" from Heaven. We're already in Hell.
A.I.S
If you could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.
Greg House (character on TV show "House")
If the definition of a miracle is that "the impossible happened", then however strong your evidence that a miracle has happened, it would be difficult for the your evidence to be as strong as the extreme unlikelihood of a miracle actually happening.
A.I.S.
Whenever I eat an apple, it just makes me hungry for more knowledge. And that's a real bummer because I already know everything.
A.I.S.
Experts have confirmed it; British Petroleum supplied the fuel for the 9/11 planes.
A.I.S.
...and vowels will only make it longer
Response to the Facebook post: "tmrws gunna b a long day"
Many horror movies, if watched backwards, are about a white couple who make more and more multicultural friends over the course of the film.
A.I.S. (with thanks to Redditor cefriano, for his somewhat muddled original version)
Atheists always fart in church.
A.I.S.
Arizona High Schools To Now Teach Spanish Entirely In English
The Onion
"There are no atheists in foxholes" isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes.
James Morrow
If we're all God's children then what's so special about Jesus?
Jimmy Carr
For you to be successful, sacrifices must be made. It is better that they are made by others but failing that, you'll have to make them yourself.
Rita Mae Brown
Each second is a smaller proportion of your remaining life than the one before. That said, this second is the biggest second you'll ever feel again.
Redditor shitshowmartinez
I am sorry I missed Church, I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
Annon
I would tell you to go to Hell but I work there and I don�t want to see you every day.
Annon
Happiness is like peeing your pants; everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Ashton Kutcher
A guy can only be called "Annie" so many times before he snaps.
Tagline for the "Star Wars" saga (Darth Vader reference)
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Milan Kundera
According to a new book, they asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, 'Probably get a salary increase.
Jay Leno
Ashore it's wine, women and song; aboard it's rum, bum and concertina.
Old saying about the British navy (variations sometimes attributed to Winstone Churchill)
This is how you figure it: If everyone thinks you're cute, you're cute. If some people think you're cute and some people think you're ugly, you're average. But if nobody thinks you're cute, you're ugly.
A.I.S.
You know, nobody says, "Who's that 37-year-old?" No, what they say is, "Who's that 60-year-old that's been in a fire?"
Martin Short, on bad cosmetic surgery
While modern technology has given people powerful new communication tools, it apparently can do nothing to alter the fact that many people have nothing useful to say.
Lee Gomes
Sometimes I pretend I'm dead to see if my dog will go for help. He never does.
A.I.S.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Dave Barry
Grammer is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping you uncle jack off a horse.
Cory Sealey (TallCornelius @ Twitter)
Never buy anything that eats while you sleep.
William Shatner, quoting a fellow horse owner, about the financial downside to keeping horses
At the store, they have 100% recycled toilet paper. The worst job in the world must be recycling toilet paper.
Marla Singer
He came into town with his cock in hand, and what he did with it was illegal in 49 states.
Tagline for the movie "Cockfighter" (1974)
Obama won't let me hunt the homeless for sport, that's why I'm voting Tea Party
Seen on a t-shirt
Obama won't teach kids the earth is flat, that's why I'm voting Tea Party
Seen on a t-shirt
If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them.
John Waters
Correction: This blog post originally stated that one in three black men who have sex with me is HIV positive. In fact, the statistic applies to black men who have sex with men.
Amanda Hess, on the blog "Sex and gender at work, in bed, and on the street"
When it comes to the point where you occasionally look forward to being in prison on the basis that you might be able to spend a day reading a book, the realization dawns that perhaps the situation has become a little more stressful than you would like.
Julian Assange, founder of the WikiLeaks whistle-blowers� Web site.
There's no secret about it, really. You just don't die, and you get to be 100.
Hazel Miller, 100, on getting there.
If Creationists outbreed evolutionists, do they win by disproving survival-of-the-fittest?
Anon
If the Rangers win, Texas gets to secede from the U.S...If the Giants win, Texas has to secede.
Peter Sagal, on the bet between the 2010 World Series teams
If your husband left the hand of Christ, lost his path and decided to murder me in my sleep, it wouldn't get my signature out of the guest-book of your vagina.
Doug Stanhope
Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.
John Fugelsang
Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a Gold Medal attached to the end of it.
Anonymous (4chan), answering the age-old question, "What three things would you want if you were stranded on an island?"
My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.
Rep. Hank Johnson (apparently serious), voicing his objection to sending additional troops to the island of Guam
My dealer asked me to buy him a case of beer because he is only twenty years old...I think that sums up the failure of prohibition right there.
Redditor "veggiesoup"
Quiet morning in the mall. Then the scream: "It's Pat Sajak!" Then chaos. Autographs and pictures. I'm almost sorry I screamed.
Pat Sajak (Twitter)
It is useless to attempt to reason a man out of a thing he was never reasoned into.
Jonathan Swift
I refuse to look at something which my religion tells me cannot exist.
A representative of the pope, when asked by Galileo to look through his telescope [probably apocryphal]
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.
Napoleon Bonaparte
They can't understand orders that are not illuminated by blasphemy.
Mark Twain, about sailors
...imagine a puddle waking up one morning and thinking, 'This is an interesting world I find myself in - an interesting hole I find myself in - fits me rather neatly, doesn't it? In fact it fits me staggeringly well, must have been made to have me in it!' This is such a powerful idea that as the sun rises in the sky and the air heats up and as, gradually, the puddle gets smaller and smaller, it's still frantically hanging on to the notion that everything's going to be alright, because this world was meant to have him in it, was built to have him in it; so the moment he disappears catches him rather by surprise.
Douglas Adams
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Oscar Wilde
You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
John J. Plomp
It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.
G. H. Hardy
A voluntary, self-administered tax on scientific ignorance.
Ben Goldacre, on getting ripped-off by quacks
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems, bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen. Or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire. And then, perhaps, host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected, dangerous flaming ant epidemic.
Jon Stewart
They didn't want it good, they wanted it Wednesday.
Robert A. Heinlein
Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations.
George Orwell
The first principle [of science] is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool.
Richard Feynman
Strive to see the error in your own truth, and to see the truth in your opponent's error.
A columnist I cannot find the name of
True, this is a very large number, but most numbers are larger.
Ross Millikan, commenting on the number 10^344001
The Founding Fathers would have hated your guts�[and] they were everything you despise. They studied science, read Plato, hung out in Paris, and thought the Bible was mostly bullshit.
Bill Maher, to the Tea Party
Real eyes realize real lies.
Graffiti
Family Planning Advice: Use Rear Entrance
Sign at Northampton General Hospital, England
I spent my entire childhood wishing that I was older. Now I'm older and this shit sucks.
Graffiti
Atheism is a religion like "off" is a TV channel.
@Monicks (Twitter)
You have to understand, we have a village idiot in this country, it's called Fundamentalist Christianity.
Frank Schaeffer
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am this morning...3am!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
Reddotor rwbronco
For all of you sitting and watching at home, playing the drinking game where you take a shot every time a republican lies; you better get a designated driver.
Anthony Weiner (D-NY)
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
Paul Harvey
The 3rd law of memes states that for every meme there is an equal and opposite counter meme. Some lulzologists have attempted to create a perpetual circlejerking meme, but due to the 2nd law of memedynamics the transfer of lulz is never 100% efficient. Some of the lulz always degrade into a less useful form, such as youtube radiation.
Redditor "captininsanity"
Saying "I'm sorry" and saying "I apologize" are the same thing...unless you're at a funeral.
Dimitri Martin
An optimist sees a zombie as half alive. A pessimist sees a zombie and says "yep, I knew this would happen."
Tim Siedell
Pessimists are the ones who see a world full of potential. Unfortunately, most of the world falls far short of its potential. A glass half empty could be so much more.
A.I.S.
Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.
Charles Dickens
Humanity I love you because when you're hard up you pawn your intelligence to buy a drink.
e. e. cummings
I think I can say with confidence that there will never be a "final" idiot.
A.I.S. (The last word on that whole, "they keep building better idiots" meme)
I for one welcome our new computer overlords.
Ken Jennings, "Jeopardy!" quiz show champion, writing on his video screen as he faced certain defeat by a computer (WATSON).
[Writing is] like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
E. L. Doctorow
You're not stuck in traffic, you are traffic.
Pro-bicycle billboard
Just registered my hands as lethal weapons. Until I get a concealed carry permit, I can't wear mittens.
Tim Siedell
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Peter Kay
the trouble with quotes on the internet is that you never know if they are genuine
Abraham Lincoln
"Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like a side view.
Peter Griffin
On this day in 1876, Thomas A. Watson became the first person to have an afternoon ruined by a phone call from the boss.
Tim Siedell, 3/10/11
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
William Gibson
It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.
Jimmy Fallon, referring to Prince William's bachelor party
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis
I get paid for what most kids get punished for.
Jerry Lewis
Poetry is what happens when an anxiety meets a technique.
Lawrence Durrell
The search for Reality is the most dangerous of all undertakings, for it destroys the world in which you live.
Nisargadatta Maharaj
You know when you look in-between two mirrors and it's really annoying because you can almost see forever but your head is in the way?
Reditor "RonaldoGonzalez"
The obstinacy of cleverness and reason is nothing to the obstinacy of folly and inanity.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Evidence my 14yr old daughter is geek-literate: In lieu of OK, one might type K while texting. She instead typed "Potassium"
Neil deGrasse Tyson
I have to say, as someone who is not Christian; it's hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America. God-willing, maybe one of you one day will even rise up and get to be president of this country - or maybe forty-four in a row. But, that's my point, is they've taken this idea of no establishment as persecution, because they feel entitled, not to equal status, but to greater status.
Jon Stewart to Mike Huckabee, on The Daily Show
Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.
Tennessee Williams
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams
Note to self. When complimenting friends on their children it's OK to call them 'pretty' less good to describe them as 'hot'.
Jimmy Carr
Beauty without intelligence is a masterpiece painted on a napkin.
Anon
If there is a God who will damn his children forever, I would rather go to hell than to go to heaven and keep the society of such an infamous tyrant.
Robert Green Ingersoll, 1877
A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.
Theodore Roosevelt
The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never tell if they are genuine.
Abraham Lincoln
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.
Rex Huppke (Twitter)
If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
J. Paul Getty
If you have a good date, it's nice to text them afterward to say "thanks." But if they were totally lame, it's fun to text "unsubscribe."
Caprice Crane (Twitter)
I can explain it for you, but I can�t understand it for you.
from "Clients From Hell"
When I search for my name on Google, page 49 shows naked women. Can you change that?
from "Clients From Hell"
The Devil is better than God because he only punishes bad people, but God hurts everybody.
The wisdom of an anonymous child
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
H.L. Mencken
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Aldous Huxley
In the early days all I hoped was to make a living? out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
Les Claypool
Dictatorship is a story about death of others who turn out to be you coincidently.
Ai Weiwei
If you are foolish enough to be contented, don't show it, but grumble with the rest.
Jerome K. Jerome
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
Jerome K. Jerome
Notice: Upon deposit, all waste becomes property of McDonalds Inc to be reconstituted and sold on site.
Graffiti in a McDonalds bathroom
If cats could talk, they wouldn't.
Nan Porter
When it comes to quotations, it�s wise to remember that Winston Churchill said everything that Mark Twain didn�t.
Brian Thomas Henderson
If you're always moving at least 5 seconds faster than reality you're bound to get somewhere.
Brian Thomas Henderson
My favorite definition of "art" is this: A succinct glimpse of an aspect of reality that you were not previously aware of.
Brian Thomas Henderson
I could never kill myself. I approve of suicide if you have horrible health. Otherwise it's the ultimate hissy fit.
John Waters
There's only two things a man can do better than a woman; pee out a campfire and read a map...cause only men can relate to "one inch equals one hundred miles"
Roseanne Barr
Time you enjoy wasting wasn't wasted.
John Lennon
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't.
Emerson M. Pugh
You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.
Alan Wilson Watts
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.
Thomas Mann, born 1875
If you watch NASA backwards, it's about a space agency that has no spaceflight capability, then does low-orbit flights, then lands on moon.
Redditor "mepper"
Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.
Franklin Pierce Adams
If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
Jimmy Carr
A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
Anon
Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?
Bumper Sticker
It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.
Vince Gil song title
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness. Just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Stephen Colbert
Faking an orgasm during sex is easy. Faking an orgasm when shopping at the supermarket, or while watering your lawn...now THAT requires some serious talent.
Brian Thomas Henderson
Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
Jim Fiebig
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
Oscar Wilde
For more information about lung cancer, continue smoking.
Anti-Smoking Advertisement
People can be taught to hate. And people can be taught to spell. But apparently, it's one or the other.
Caprice Crane
To summarize: it is a well known and much lamented fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.
Douglas Adams
To get something you've never had before, try doing something you've never done before.
Brian Thomas Henderson
Know your limits, then take those limits, wrap them around a hand-grenade, and shove them up the ass of a velociraptor. Because, really, fuck limits.
Chuck Wendig
We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it is forever.
Carl Sagan
Why do people say "grow a pair"? Testicles are weak and vulnerable. If you want a tough metaphor, say "grow a vagina". Those things can take a pounding.
Anon
Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race of Skeleton People
The Onion
If eye-rolling burned calories, women would never have to diet.
Caprice Crane
Stupidity is much like a cough. You should cover your mouth whenever you feel it coming on.
Mrs. Sellars (wife of M.R. Sellars)
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
Redditor "kageyama123"
A shortage of homeopathic medicine? Can�t they just dilute what they have to make more? Oh right, it would cause the medicine to become more potent and could result in an overdose.
Steve Packard
The funny thing about [NYC mayor] Bloomberg's Spanish is that it gives him away as someone who has only used the language to address valets, maids.
Xeni Jardin
How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders? The man can�t even trust his own pants.
Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)
Michele Bachmann says God told her to run for president. How come God never talks to smart people anymore?
Anon
No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.
Niels Bohr
The totally convinced and the totally stupid have too much in common for the resemblance to be accidental.
Robert Anton Wilson
Even if evolution is wrong, and it's not, magic doesn't win by default.
CJ Werleman
I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.
Banksy
Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.
Robert Brault
As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.
Joan Gussow
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Chauncey Mitchell Depew
I put dead people's hair on my head and talk loudly in front of strangers for money.
Martha Plimpton
I put the bastards of the world on notice that I do not have their best interests at heart.
Paul Kemp, in "The Rum Diary" [Hunter S. Thompson]
No matter how good looking they are, someone somewhere is tired of their shit.
Annon
If the grass is greener on the other side maybe you're not taking care of your grass.
Redditor "iriemeditation"
It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
Sinclair Lewis
Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.
General George Patton
It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.
Upton Sinclair
If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.
Steve Martin
Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women.
Coyote Too (Twitter)
As an atheist, having a Christian threaten me with hell is like having a hippy threaten to punch me in my aura.
Josh Thomas
If every trace of every single religion were wiped out and nothing were passed on, it would never be created exactly that way again. There might be some other nonsense in its place, but not that exact nonsense. If all of science were wiped out, it would still be true and someone would find a way to figure it all out again.
Penn Jillette
Isn�t it obvious that someone who�s using "gravitas" is mainly trying to confer it upon himself by implying he has the gravitas to recognize and bestow gravitas?
Ron Rosenbaum
As a child I naturally assumed that I hated everybody; but when I grew up I realized it was just children I disliked.
Philip Larkin
I still feel like Katy Perry is what Hugh Hefner would do if he got his hands on Zooey Deschanel.
Kelly Oxford
Kim Kardashian makes me long for the days when girls like her were hired to show prizes on game shows and we never had to hear them speak.
Kelly Oxford
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Oscar Wilde
It would be unbelievable, if history did not record the tragic fact, that men have gone to war and cut each other's throat's because they could not agree as to what was to become of them after their throat's were cut.
Walter P. Stacy
Bumper stickers are a great way to let people know which particular type of moron you are.
Brian Thomas Henderson
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Oscar Wilde
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surround by assholes.
William Gibson
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
Oscar Wilde
Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.
Charles Bukowski
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz
Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.
George Orwell
You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.
John Nuveen
We have our Arts so we won�t die of Truth.
Ray Bradbury
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
William Blake
Black Guy Given Nation's Worst Job.
Onion headline, about Barack Obama
If you say "people either love me or hate me" it's a pretty safe bet that most of them hate you.
Caprice Crane
Don't ever write a novel unless it hurts like a hot turd coming out.
Charles Bukowski
Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
Arnold H. Glasow
There are grammatical errors even in his silence.
Stanislaw J. Lec
When I'm holding a water ballon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
Dear people who think Romeo & Juliet is a romantic love story: It was a relationship that lasted three days between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old, and resulted in 6 deaths. Sincerely, everybody who actually read the story.
Anonymous
Everyone who's storing food and supplies 'In case of the apocalypse' - if it happens, you know you're going to be murdered for that stuff, don't you?
Brian T. Henderson
When a woman says 'I can't get laid' we know she's just being picky.
Kelly Oxford
I'm not slurring my words; I'm speaking in cursive.
Anoymous Drunk
All women love spooning. And if that leads to sporking, so much the better.
A.I.StreetLight
Be sure to face downwind whenever you're throwing caution into it.
A.I.StreetLight
A "racist rapist" sounds worse than a regular rapist when u first hear it, but it's actually better cause less people get raped.
Donald Glover (Twitter)
I am in favor of preserving the French habit of kissing ladies' hands - after all, one must start somewhere.
Sacha Guitry
Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.
Caprice Crane (Twitter)
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself. Moral of the story; In life, no one helps you once you're fucked.
Anonymous
The Titanic sank because it was filled beyond capacity with time-travelers wanting to know what it was like when it sank.
Anonymous
Do unto others 20% better than you would expect them to do unto you, to correct for subjective error.
Linus Pauling
An intellectual is a person who's found one thing that's more interesting than sex.
Aldous Huxley
I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Robert Downey, Jr
Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations.
George Orwell
It's speculative non-fiction -- we write what we imagine will be true sometime in the future.
Sue Gallagher
I like how glasses suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes.
Kelly Oxford
Some people look at the glass as half empty. I look at the glass as a weapon. You can never be too safe around pessimists.
Jill Morris
Childhood is like being a drunk; Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Anon
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
Anon
As far as I'm concerned, processed food is any previously edible substance that has been broken down into its constituent parts - whereby the sunshine is allowed to escape - and then re-assembled into a more or less convincing imitation of an edible substance.
Brian Thomas Henderson
TONIGHT'S MEDITATION: Don't kill all the stupid people. Just remove all the warning labels and let the problem fix itself.
David Pogue
Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.
Peter Ustinov
The brain that believes in angels and miracles and Jesus riding a dinosaur is trained to see the world not as it is, but as you want it to be.
Bill Maher
Christianity: Because you're so awful you made God kill himself.
Anon
You know Monopoly is an old game because there is luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Occupy Wall Street
There's literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Megan Amram
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
Mark Twain
I think a treehouse is pretty insensitive. It's like killing someone and then making their best friend hold them.
Demitri Martin
We're all just memories of our future selves.
Reggie Watts
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
@ozlifeadvice
The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.
Kurt Vonnegut
Evidently, "Lincoln" is doing well in theaters despite historical evidence to the contrary.
Some wag on Facebook, about the 2012 movie Lincoln
Ever since I started working, every day has been worse than the one before. That means each time you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
from the movie Office Space
In the whole of human history, there has never been a single case when the supernatural explanation turned out to be the right one.
Anon
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Will Rogers
One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite insane.
Nikola Tesla
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.
Steve Furtick.
If hell existed it would be filled mainly with people who spent their lives telling others they were going there.
@TheTweetOfGod
A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.
Peter Sagal (Wait Wait Don't Tell Me)
Hell is defined as being visited, on your deathbed, by the person you could have become.
Reddit user CharlesKilogram
I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
Augusten Burroughs

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